The History of Spies

I misspelled James Bond one day and this came of it.

For a long time now, I've always wondered how rants start out. Mine starts like this. Others start with the word, rant. Many more just get right into it and bitch about their opinions on matters that, well frankly, don't matter. Why do we 21st century humans have this automatic response to irksome subjects where we must blog, video blog, update our fakebook status, or, heaven forbid, "tweet" our emotions? Ranting is just a fancy term for expressing ourselves. Ranting started long ago when man saw something he didn't like and threw feces or rock-tipped sticks at it. Ranting broadened its horizons when it stepped into the world of art with cave paintings and then more feces and spear throwing as a response. As civilization further evolved, so did ranting - rulers would speak no words, but say many with public executions. Some time after that, ranting became two separate but equal parts as writers and artists decided to take down their emotions, their feelings, their bitching and form books and pictures with them. Ranting even branched into the world of preaching and religion - often called soapboxing because these fed up homeless would stand upon their soapboxes [literally] and shout out loud, "fuck that shit!" As time passed more and more ways to rant, publicly and secretly, developed - ranting technology we'll call it. This includes but is not limited to: a diary, a journal, a television show, a movie, a book, a magazine, NEWSPAPERS, blogs, websites, fuckin' youtube, goddamn twitter, the long forgotten myspace, and the lovely time-waster, facebook.

My favorite of all rant technology ever made is comics. Yeah, makes sense don't it? Comics are a way to voice your opinion to other like minded individuals that comprises both the writing AND drawing aspects of expression/ranting. Comics allow a writer and an artist, a writer/artist [like myself], or a writer, artist, and lots of other helpers to publish their opinions and thoughts. Sure, they come out as adventures, mysteries, and dramas, but they do their job correctly. Comics are made to entertain people for the length of the issue - they always do. What's better than pictures with words, words with pictures? Nothing. Well, Ok. Women and food are better than words and pictures, but you get the point. Comics are amazing. They're books, they're movies, they're toys, they're kickbacks, they're badass, they're old school, they're sexy, they're funny, they're naughty, and they're certainly cool. Can you believe people even forget that comics are still being made?

Here's a story: I was defending myself to this jackass of a peon asshole about what I want to do with my life. Ya' know, small talk to pass an elevator ride with complete strangers. I told the insignificant wretch I'm actually an aspiring comic book writer/artist and want to make comics until I die. He said, verbatim, "they still make that shit? Better find a real job, son." I, in words not suitable for persons age 16 or under, told the man that comics were indeed being made to this day, that he is a total waste of a human being for debasing my life's dream, I'm not and never will be his "son," and that being a comic book writer/artist is an actual job. Of course, the fellow elevator riders heard this as the most profane rebuke to come from a 20-something in an elevator, but at least I got my point across. It was actually accompanied by a small golf clap because I had to tell the same man off earlier for offending a young Mexican mother by calling her, verbatim, "a piece of ass worth a dime-and-a-half." So, the lesson learned here is to never forget comics are being made. As long as I am living, and any other comic readers are living, there will ALWAYS be comics in production to entertain and rant. Words and pictures go together better than peanut butter and grape jelly. Write that down.

Now, a rant.

To Youtube and Twitter: FUCK YOU!

To Fakebook: This relationship between you and I is like most midwestern marriages. It was fun when it started, then it was REALLY a blast, but now you're just something I'm forced to see everyday, and I'm starting to see other people. We'll continue this charade of a marriage for as long as you connect me to my friends, and then I'm divorcing you.

To the government: "I'm MAD as HELL and I'm NOT going to take THIS anymore!!!"

To that-guy-in-the-elevator: I know you'll never read this because you don't know who I am, are probably too illiterate to even read and comprehend this next statement, and are too technologically retarded to even access the web for anything except porn, WoW, and your welfare information. But I just have one thing to say to you: I hope you attempt to sell white girl to a plainclothes, get booked, thrown in the big house, get your salad tossed against your will by a big foreigner by the name of Molly, find that you like it, and become the prison bitch everybody wants a night with.

To The Roots: I think the quote is "bang on."

To Hitchcock: Please come back from the dead and make some movies. Hollywood sucks these days without you, man.

To steampunk girls: If you want a good time, call me.

Included in this essay is a "quick" strip I did. Please enjoy.